I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
