did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
