Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
