i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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