we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
