and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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