Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
