i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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