our cab driver is having phone sex.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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