It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
