I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
