I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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