I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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