Are we in a gay sports bar?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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