Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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