It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
