He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
