It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Never joke about your clitoris.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
