Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
