Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
