Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
