when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
