my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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