Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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