I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
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You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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