just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
