Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
