Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
