Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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