Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
