it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
