I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
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All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
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The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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