I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
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Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
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I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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