There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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