it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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