Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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