It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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