Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
