I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
