Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
FUCK WHALES
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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