I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
