I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
