i think my tv is drunk
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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