I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
