I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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