every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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