Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
