dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
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naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
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Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's rum buckets o'clock
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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