Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
