At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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