I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
