Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
