Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
