You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
