I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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