haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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