I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
