There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
