my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
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Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
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